Sacrement #4 - Student

She's still afraid of me
after ten years.
I think I have taken her places she has not wanted to go
but I did not coerce, I hope
(subtle coercion is invisible and maybe even involuntary)
Still, fear.

It is the first sight, I think.
seeing me was always somehow jarring to her.
It was she who taught me (tho she might not know it)
the habit of sitting down as low as possible
as soon as possible
when discussing anything more significant than the weather
because she interpreted my mildest passionate raving as an attack.
For her, and just for her, I tried to master my intensity
move slowly
speak ...... less stridently.

She knows me very well.
I haven't the slightest idea how well I know her.
Which figures.

Still, the fear.
It has been there since I was 16
and Kip's parents told him I was evil,
and to stop hanging around with me.
I have never understood this.
It seems to have followed me everywhere

Now, I am fat and sick, a physical threat to nobody,
but the fear is still there.
and I still don't understand it.
There is nothing scary here.

By their standards, yeah, I am evil.
I think for myself, and I don't accept a dogma, any dogma.
but I have always been honest and open
about what I want, who I am, and what I'm doing.

I might not be a very good teacher, but I don't understand why I am scary.

If she is scared of me, maybe I should be too?

Self-doubt sucks. Can I go back to being a relentlessly arrogant prick now?