bottle of pills

There is a prescription bottle
on the shelf
Untouched for years
that represents freedom.

It's contents remain untouched,
for to use it is to lose it
and it is my silent support
and the greatest comfort I have.

It is insurance in pill form.

I have watched slow-motion death
crush families into despair and ruin,
anihiliate hard-won futures
as if they were tissue-thin dreams,
burned by the bedsides of the dying.

While there may be no good way to go
there is certainly a bad way,
slowly consuming every resource
as death is staved off,
minute by minute
while the handholding relations
wish the end would just come, and free them all,
and then hate themselves for wanting it.

There is no dignity in rotting,
no nobility in feebleness,
and little success in hope.

There is no peace in desperation,
just denial.

I will stand proudly and walk through the door
rather than cringe away in fear.

-----------------
No, I am not suicidal and no intervention is necessary.
it's just a poem

Honest Opinion

So there I was, just sort of hanging out, engaging in some minor substance abuse, writing some nice purple invective against some internet stupidity or other, when a person I respect (and love, but the respect is more important in this case) asks me for......an Honest Opinion.

I have lost friends this way. Frequently. When, many years ago, a friend asked me for an Honest Opinion about his new girlfriend, and after receiving it went immediately to fetch his assault rifle (I shit you not, this actually happened), I instituted a new policy: If you ask me for an Honest Opinion that I think you may not like when you hear it, I will say "ask me again, and I'll answer, but you should be warned, I am actually going to give you what you asked for."

People, as a rule, don't want your opinion, and when they ask for an honest opinion specifically, they are actually saying "I think you might disagree with me, here, so I am warning you I am sensitive on this topic". They are telling you to be honest because they really want you to AGREE with them. They are telling you how important it is to them. They are telling you, basically, "I want you to give me an honest opinion if you agree with me, and if you don't, I want you to lie"

Screw that. You ask me for an honest opinion, you will get exactly that.

On to the opinion.

"Do you think I am stupid because I am a Christian"?

Fuck.

The honest answer is "yup". It isn't "Yes", because "Yes" is a correct term, carrying none of the derision I want to pack into the affirmation. What I want to say is "Of course I think your Christianity is stupid. You stopped believing in the tooth fairy and Santa Clause, right? Well, if I was a 30-year-old who still believed in the literal existence of a fairy that rewarded you for losing teeth by putting currency under your pillow, you would think THAT was stupid, right? You think the Scientologists are morons because they believed in Xenu the Cosmic Overlord who stashes souls in Volcanoes, right?" but I actually respect this person, so even tho it would be the honest thing to do, I DON'T say any of that. I say "Yup" because "Yes" is a respectful answer to a stupid question.

And i still feel like a liar, because I didn't manage to convey what I actually felt, my Honest Opinion.

I believe in reason, and it is a sad fact that if you START from reason, you can't get to any of the major religions. You can get to a nebulous spirituality, but probably not much further. If you start from religion, you can still accept Reason, but you have to hold reason subordinate to your religion, because any application of reason to religious doctrine or dogma will end with said dogma or doctrine decimated. In other words, reason kills faith. As it should.

To hold as truth or fact things that reason dictates are neither is to willfully place reason in a subordinate position. And that is, almost by definition, stupid. So, yeah, I think Christians (and Jews, Muslims, Etc) are stupid, in that they are holding to beliefs that cannot be. And believing in Christ just as hard as you can (which is the suggested antidote to this terrible 'reason' stuff) isn't going to help at all. It didn't work with Santa, after all, did it?

So my Honest Opinion insults the intelligence of somebody i respect. It is what it is.

If I didn't respect this person, I'd probably just shrug and say "Nah, to each his own" or some other equivocation.

I find it distinctly odd that my respect for this person is going to make me tell him I think he is stupid.

living an intellectually honest existence blows sometimes.

PTSD really blows

I guess I am slowly learning to accept my diagnosis. Lately I have memories (I will not relate the substance because that will trigger the memory) that cannot be turned off. I have to see it, all of it, over again. feel what I felt, see what I saw, hear what I heard. Normal memories are fragile, can be interrupted by anything, a stubbed toe, a mosquito bite, a wandering thought, a small noise. THESE memories are a revery, unstoppable Imax relivings of experiences in minute emotional detail. Every feeling, every icky sensation, every horrifying microsecond. once it starts it goes until it is finished, and it goes until I feel every little detail of the things i thought I had forgotten years ago, thought I had boxed up, thrown out and gotten over.

it really sucks. But PTSD pretty much fits.