Sometimes, you just need to let crisis roll over you and on past, and watch it's wake rebound and ripple.
I am finding it nearly impossible to be the person I was about three weeks ago.
The Attack was a symptom of a rather nasty war inside me, being fought over primarily moral issues. Somebody won, somebody lost, and I am now a different person.
I feel far too pationately in two mutually contradictory ideas, both of which I believe, all the time.
There was something just beyond my understanding, but just barely, and, in terms of paradigm, I flipped. I had been wanting to flip for a long time. I had spent eons contemplating the fucking hanged man. I didn't really expect a heart attack, but I knew it was going to be a crisis.
It is, I hope, the price I paid for learning something I needed to learn, somatacising my goal and kicking it's ass (or not, twitch, twitch), classical animist or tribal or shamanic way to learn and heal. Symbolic sense, unnervingly valid.
It is very hard to explain to others why I believe what I believe, but it seems that one of the things I just smacked with is that I need to try.
I am finding it very hard to be the person I was three weeks ago. But, in that I wasn't really very fond of him anyway, it is getting on my nerves much less than I thought it would.
Self-therapy by blog. God, I am so screwed. My brain hasn't turned back on, at least not fully, but I do seem to be waxing a bit poetic.
Contemplate Benedict of Amber, and Faramir, and Arthur. Those are the metaphors my brain wants to think in at the moment, and that makes it a bit difficult on a hard-sci wannabee like me.
When most geeks in my generation had their religious formation moment, it was in either Star Wars for morality, or Star Trek for worship of science. Mine was Conan the Barbarian. Go figure.
I had a fucking heart attack. I just CANNOT get my mind around that.
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"I feel far too pationately in two mutually contradictory ideas, both of which I believe, all the time."
-- They say one sign of genius is the ability to hold to contradictory ideas in one's head simultaneously, while believing both. So there is hope.
It would also pass muster as a functional definition if insanity, too.
The line between bug-fuck-crazy and true-genius is so small as to be questionably existent at all.
In my case, I am a science fiend, a true believer. I think Cartesian doubt is damn near the closest thing to "truth" that a philosophy of 'fact' can produce. Yet, I cannot accept natural selection as the sole cause of evolutionary change. My rival (poorly defined and badly researched - I love science, but I am not really good at it) guess contains no creator or intelligent designer, people still call me a creationist. Go figure.
I get kicked out of pagan groups for wanting to discuss uncomfortable subjects, yet I am as much an Animist as I am a believer in science, but because I don't want to eliminate topics based on somebody getting miffed, I am bounced.
I was kicked out of a version of the O.T.O. once for publishing a pamphlet on Alister Crowley considerred as a social comedian...
Wow. While I was writing this post and the answers to some of the comments, I was still WAY out of it. I am still not back, but it is surprising to me how little sense I am making in these just-post-heart-attack ravings.
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