So, a walk outside of less than 100 yards almost does me in.
I HATE appearing weak. I don't mind actually being weak, as long as it doesn't show. That's probably vanity or ego or whatever twisted thing I use to judge my own self-worth. I am used to appearing strong, even if it is a sham (which, if we are talking physical strength, it has been for quite some time). I don't even mind appearing fat or slovenly, as long as I still look like a moving train when I walk and a cross between a Vulcan computer and an axe murderer when I talk.
No longer. I walk with a cane and there is, at least to me, a noticeable weakening of my voice, frequent straining for breath, and occasional mental disorientation. Okay, so in times of need, I look like a moving train with a cane, but it actually takes an effort. Yesterday I walked over to a neighbors house only two doors away, and had an asthma attack, moderate chest pain (about 2 points above the constant background pain) and had to take a nap.
And just because it pissed me off, I woke up and found a very good excuse to do it again. Same result, altho while at the neighbors house, I held up my side of a detailed philosophical conversation.
This is going to be a long, nasty road to get even close to the sickly bastard I was before the heart attack. And the pain is getting really old really quick.
Here comes the depression. Hooray.
I'll get throough it, but shit, it is harder, by far, than I thought it would be.
Lizard
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3 comments:
I'm in the same boat. Since my surgery a year ago, and the subsquent sciatica – not to mention my unholy obesity – I've been really struggling to accomplish the most mundane tasks.
I can't stand long enough to even do the friggin' dishes before my back starts screaming.
I'm actually beginning to look forward to our weekly grocery shopping, because with the cart to push and lean on, I can actually stand and walk around for 30-45 minutes or so. It's just about the only decent exercise I get lately.
-- C
If it is going to hold the both of us, it better be a big fucking boat.
Welcome to my brain, C.
I took a walk today with hubby and a friend/her kid today....I haven't taken a walk in awhile....we were gone probably about an hour. I came back pretty sweaty, and this is the end of February...ok, so I had a wool sweater on....I think my muscles have atrophied during my hibernation status!
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