Despair

Can I stop now?
Every day it is a struggle to breathe
a struggle to move
a pain to stand,
it even hurts to lie down
and it is becoming harder and harder to simply be.

I am half a man, or perhaps less
in a world of athletes I can barely crawl.
I am less than everybody I know
less even than I permit myself to acknowledge
and I don't want to be

If I were not the person I am
I would have given up long ago
and realised that there is nothing here for me.
nothing.

I am a weight on everybody I love
a constant drain on resources
a neverending vacuum
that eats money, love, patience and sympathy
and spits out nothing but pain, obligation and loss.

Can I stop now?

Can I just cease to be?
slide away into the darkness
that has been eating me alive
since the spark of life came into me?

Can I not wake up tomorrow?
Can life just be finished with me?
They will cry, yes,
but their tears will soon dry
and in my place there will be an empty bed
but the bills will be paid
and another will soon fill the miniscule gap I leave behind.

If I keep on, my fate is pretty much certain
I will die gasping for breath
turning blue slowly
Or I will die when my blood vessels explodes from the pressure
and blood leaks into my brain, leaving me paralysed
or retarded and drooling.

I am damaged beyond repair
and I am so fucking tired.

But I can't do it. I can't stop. I don't know how.
I fight, always, every minute.
But today, I don't know why.




Today was a very very very bad day.

Lizard