Family Holidays

They sit together,
mother, father, son and daughter
enjoying each-other's company
a bond of love
apparant and tangible.
They like each-other,
as well as loving.

It is a thing I have no memory of,
and do not understand.
but I know that once I did,
because seeing it in others
clenches my teeth to breaking,
and lights me with hate and anger
that I can barely stand.

What I remember is an absent father.
And a mother and daughter
eager to find any excuse to banish me to my room
so that they would not need to deal with me
while they sat together
mother and daughter,
enjoying each-others company
while I cried, alone and confused.

At Christmas, they made an effort,
and usually let me stay for an hour or so
but it was forced, uncomfortable,
and when she had had enough,
my mother would create the opportunity
to send me away
crying.

And hating.
A fury so strong and loud within me
that it bursts forward and engulfs me
if I am not very careful.
It sits inside me,
scheming, planning revenge
on people I don't even know anymore.

And now I am the father
and I am not absent.
and I like my wife, and I like my son,
and of course, I love them both
and there are no people I would rather spend my time with.
I have broken the line of anger and hate
I will not pass it to my child,
as I believe it was passed to me
as it was passed to my mother from hers.

Later there were beatings, whippings.
humiliations unending, isolation and total control,
and all of that is forgiven, all is past.

In a strange way, this means I must keep it.
I refuse justify the harm done to me
by passing it on to my child
and forgiving my mother by it's inevitability.

Even if it kills me, it is mine
and I will never pass it to anyboy else.

But I know that once, we were happy together.
I don't remember it, I was too young,
but I know it was there
because it's ending maimed me
apparantly for life.

I cannot celebrate holidays,
no matter how hard I try
because the hate and rage are too close to the surface,
too near to my mind, my tongue and my temper,
too raw, too real
because it was just yesterday,
even tho I can't remember it.
The hate and rage have never forgotten it.